tEArs BehiNd aLL tHe sMiLeS

2007-05-02T22:34:00.000-07:00

i'm happy today! coz i finnaly got to see lekipot..:D we met at great mall and watched a movie.. " perfect stranger".. its pretty cool..lol:D and we just walked around and ate.. and took pictures to the photo booths.. lol:D

i miss her.. and i wanna see her again..

and LEKI IM GONNA PROVE YOU WRONG.. COZ I DONT HAVE A FUNNY ACCENT..LOL:D

we went to egyt just to get our picture taken near the pyramids..lol:D

the picture strip..lol:D thats pretty weird.. because we didnt know how much time we had to pose..hehe:D we argued if we should get plain but i was like "its so plain..lol:D"

we also had a tour in paris.. but she had that picture:D

2007-04-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

i'm so sorry if im acting all weird on you.. im sorry for everything that i did to you.. for annoying you.. for acting dumb.. whatever.. i don't know.. there's an urge in me to tell you everything inside me.. but i know its not gonna matter.. and everything will just be worse.. i hate you for giving me hope.. i hate you for being so kind to me.. i hate you for making me fall for you so bad.. i hate you for being you..now it's too late.. soon you'll be too busy to even bother to see all of us again.. and you know what hurts me more.. im holding on to the fact that you still both have feelings for each other.. but you guys wouldn't admit it.. if you're with us.. you're looking for her.. you know that feeling sucks.. and you just dont know how i feel inside.. but i guess i just have to accept the fact that there will never be "us".. but i hope you can feel that.. deep inside my heart.. there's a part that only you can fulfill.. only you can complete me..

2007-04-13T00:08:00.000-07:00

i'm hecka happy coz alas! i was able to talk to leki! iloveyou crazy butt.. lol.. and imma see her on the 26th? or 24th?.. yipeeee!:D

2007-04-11T23:58:00.000-07:00

i havent been here for like a week already.. so imma just share what happened to me on my birthday!:D

APRIL 6(FRIDAY)
i was at school and i received a message from ate giselle that the meeting will be at roy's house.. i felt weird because we havent done that for half a year.. coz we are planning to do big stuffs that we had to stay somewhere that it'll just be us.. and we somewhere that we have the luxury of time.. so then.. at school i really felt weird and i just couldnt wait to go to his house.. so i went home and went to the meeting.. i was kinda thinking if they're planning something or not.. at the back of my head..it was like they couldnt do something like that.. they dont even have time to prepare for a surprise thing.. but they did.. and i was happy.. i didnt know it until they prayed for me.. then there were hecka food comin in .. so i was like "GOD! NO! DANG!" so yeah.. but i was happy coz most of the people that i love were there.. my binhi family didnt leave me up to like 11 pm.. we just talked.. played.. laughed.. sang.. and took hella pictures!

this is our family picture.. most of us are here.. after the meeting we took this and only 2 or 3 people left:D
this was around 10 pm.. when we were all hyper and this is how crazy we can be for as long as we are together and there's camera in front of us:D lol:D

APRIL 7 ( SATURDAY)

i was out almost the whole day.. coz we had gathering/ meeting/training at fremont as early as 9 am.. and lasted until 2:30 pm.. i was with ate giselle and her family and all other people.. we went to el pollo loco to buy some food.. then stayed at ate giselle's place.. we ate.. watch tv.. watched hilarious videos from youtube.. i love youtube.. the southpark video made my day crazy.. we went to the church together for the choral practice.. it ended like 7 pm and my dad picked me up there..

with ate giselle and armily at el pollo loco's restroom..lol:D i love them so bad..:D

my picture when i was at the hall at church and saw camera:D crazy!

while playing zoom zoom..:D

APRIL 8 (SUNDAY)

i saw them again.. and they made me happy.. i was so tired that we just stayed home and slept after church:D

APRIL 9 (MY BIRTHDAY)

we went to red robin to have lunch.. then went to great mall.. my dad wanted to go somewhere else.. but i just dont feel like goin far.. so we stayed there.. for hours.. we walked around.. and i bought.. 2 jackets, 1 blouse, 1 flat shoes, 1 shirt.. :D my legs hurt so bad afterwards..lol:D

APRIL 10 (TUESDAY)

we went to kuya marlowe's place to get kangen water..hehe.. then i asked aunt vicky (his mom) if i can have some roses from their frontyard.. and she gave me 3 of em.. and they're hecka cute:D then we went to costco.. and i bought this bag of 20 gift bags.. and they're cute..lol:D we went home.. then.. nothin really happened after..

APRIL 11 (WEDNESDAY/TODAY)

we went to eastridge.. i was looking for slip-ons.. kitson or vans but i bought converse..lol:D it was cute for me.. and my mom agreed.. so..hehe.. i bought 2 shirts, 1 skirt, 1 shorts, 1 jacket:D

it has little skulls in it.. then hawaiian flowers:D

APRIL 13 (FRIDAY)

mall and movies with them:D

APRIL 14 (SATURDAY)

adrian's house.. meeting/eat!

2007-04-04T22:35:00.000-07:00

5 days til my birthday!:D well.. i dont feel like celebrating.. but iono.. i guess imma go mall next week with my friends.. SPRING BREAK! well.. leki where have you been?!.. were you in milpitas all this time?!argh.. i wanna see you so bad.. and i wanna watch a movie with you.. dont tell me you watch disturbia yet.. coz im gonna bite you when i see you..lol:D well i just miss you all.. and im so random the whole day.. and til now.. goodnight!:d

2007-04-01T21:46:00.000-07:00

they are most of my binhi family:D i forgot to edit it and place the names.. so imma just go from left to right.. KUYA MARLOWE, ATE GISELLE, ROY, ME, DIANA, RHEA-LYNN(the girl white white earing),ARMILY(the peace out girl), RAZEL, ADRIAN:D

yesterday was my annoversary.. and i didn't realize it til noon today.. and as my friend told me earlier.. now i can really say that "I MADE IT! I SURVIVED!:D"

and i guess i really did.. for one year.. i had great sorrows that almost took my life away.. such triumphant days and rewarding moments.. for a year i found myself.. my self that got lost for forever.. and im just happy:D really happy.. that at least i know.. who i am now.. is who i really want to be.. :D

let me give a brief description about my family:D

KUYA MARLOWE: he's my kuya 4 days after i came here.. he was the first one among them who welcomed me in my "family".. he make everybody laugh.. he got good things to say when everything's falling apart.. and lastly.. he got nice shoes! and im gonna steal them for sure..lol:D not unless he gives me one for my birthday..lol:D

ATE GISELLE: she's been our ate.. our mommy.. she got the power to make us feel guilty for something that we did wrong.. she got the words to say to make us feel alright.. she always checks on us like her little kids.. and no matter what.. we feel so safe with her:D and i just dont wanna lose her:D

ROY: he's my cousin actually.. like fourth? im not sure.. so yeah.. he's the guitarist of the family.. and he makes us laugh because of his reactions and hand gestures.. he's the life of the meetings:D

DIANA: she's only 12 and she's even taller than me..she's the athlete.. and she's really fun to be with:D

RHEA-LYNN: she has the most fashion among all of us.. lol.. nice clothes and hair.. but beyond all those.. she's my hyphy co-secretary.. but she's the SEXYtary.. coz she's hella skinny.. and she looks like her sister.. like really..

ARMILY: she's the singer of the family..she has the best voice ever..lol:D she knows when something's wrong and will come up to you and just ask you.. and of course try to make you feel better:D

RAZEL: another 12 year old girl that's taller than me.. she's the sister of the girl above.. and she's athletic too:D

ADRIAN: well.. he's that one guy that when he says something serious.. you're not gonna laugh at it.. it stays inside our hearts.. and it just inspires us.. i guess the shortest way to say this is.. his words are our inspiration whenever we're in the meeting:D

i love them really bad..

they have accepted me for who i was before.. and still promised to accept me for who i will be tomorrow.. and for the rest of my life.. i choose the things that i tell them about my "before" because for some part of my life.. i don't think it;s worth telling them.. and i am not really proud of it.:D i annoy them alot.. i try to make them laugh.. im all moody.. but still they're there for me:D

and i guess this is my song for them

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

2007-03-24T22:30:00.000-07:00

a few weeks from now.. im gonna turn 15.. a year older.. a year wiser?.. a year stronger.. im about to pass 14 years of my life already.. but do i deserve to turn another year older.. do i act like im growing .. that im being more mature?.. i dont think so.. coz i feel like im being more like a kid.. that im seeing things hella different now.. but at least i knew along the way.. that there's more special things in store for you for as long as you continue living it.. that doing stupid things are not worth anything.. and not gonna do you any good.. i also learned that in life.. people come and go.. and it's not unusual for them to hurt you so bad that you wanna kill yourself.. but you wouldn't see the light until you compose yourself together again and continue living.. and along the way.. there's gonna be alot of people that actually cares for you but you just wouldn't know because your heart is still with the person who tried to steal your life and being.. but no matter what happen.. life is unpredictable.. we should be prepared for anything that would happen.. because nobody knows what will happen the next second in your life.. and i learned also that no matter what.. keep your strength inside.. be strong.. stand with your feet on the ground.. dont let anybody carry you through your journey.. learn to walk your own path.. and when you get lost you're the only one who can get yourself back in the track.. finish the race of life.. don't give up.. coz giving up wouldn't make you successful:D

2007-03-16T21:37:00.001-07:00

days from now it'll be our anniversary.. one year of survival here in america.. well.. i think there's really a reason why i came here.. maybe it's to fix somebody's life.. to fix flaws and misunderstandings.. maybe it's to prove who's real or not.. who'll stay with me though im far.. who'll be there to try to make me smile:D i think it's not that bad that i moved it's just that it still feels different if you are in your own country and with your friends..:D but still there are regrets.. but i can say that they're not that many as the regrets i had when i was only months long here.. i have learned to live with it.. and make good use of what i have right now.. all the opportunities and stuff..:D but still i miss you all=(

thank you jb!:D for making me cry and smile today.. lol:D

i was talking to my friend earlier on our pe class.. coz i wasn't in the mood to play so we just talked about girl stuff.. and she just made me miss people that touched my life..

and to tell you.. i can't sleep straight.. it'll always be like after an hour or two.. i'll wake up then stare and sleep again.. then wake up.. and yeah.. there's something that keeps me from sleeping.. something that i thought i was done with it.. but i was wrong.. i was just denying it all along=(

"this is not your ordinary love..
i was not prepared enough to fall so deep in love=("

2007-03-14T16:26:00.000-07:00

this is my poem for art.. i wrote this on my lunch break..

MIRROR OF THE PAST

In the middle of the night,
I saw myself in front of the mirror staring,
Looking beyond the eyes of innocence,
The eyes that are now blinded by the agony of life,
Then I saw a girl dying, gasping for air, asking for help,
Her heart is shattered, broken, and crushed,
Her hands are kept still and tied,
But then I was stopped when I saw the spark of light behind me,
The light that brought back my sanity,
The awareness to the reality of life

it's just random thoughts put up together.. lol:P im kinda planning to look for a song that matches the message of the poem..:D

2007-03-12T23:02:00.000-07:00

i have not blogged for quite a while.. so here are some stuff that happened to me..

MARCH 3

i went to San Jose State University (SJSU) to compete in Geometry.. and yeah.. i lost.. i wasn't part of the top 15 of the geometry participants.. but i must say.. i tried my best its just that the questions are hella hard for me.. and there was no training.. so yeah.. it came as a surprise to me.. uhm.. i won a rubik's puzzle because he picked my name for the door award.. at least i have a remembrance from the contest.. our school is the 9th place out of 25 i think.. for me that's not that bad because they were 13th place last year..:D there was this school, Harker.. all of their representatives are in middle school.. there was this girl who won the Calculus event and she is an 8th grader..lol:D but i was kinda sad the whole day because of that.. it's not that i was expecting or wanting to win.. it was just that.. it kinda pulled my confidence back to 0 again.. like i feel that im not good enough.. that i should have not represented the school.. so yeah.. i was really down that day.. =(

MARCH 4

we had our holy supper at church.. i attended the last one and i had a whole new outfit for that day..lol:P i bought a striped dress.. gold, blue, brown.. its halter.. then bought brown stilettos.. and a brown bag.. lol:D we ate japanese food for dinner:D

MARCH 10

my sister's birthday.. my uncle visited us.. we went oakridge in the morning then i went to church at 3pm.. we had our little meeting.. and its hecka fun though not a lot were there.. it was hecka fun.. we talked about ideas for our posters and it was interesting.. i think that was one of the few days that we had accomplished a lot while havin fun.. coz sometimes we just talk about it the bam! we're done.. sometimes we're so serious..so yeah.. i think that was one of the few meetings that i really liked.. then we went king egg roll for merienda.. we crossed the street and all of them were like looking at us.. coz we were all wearing formal clothes and we were a lot like less than 20.. it was fun though.. we occupied like 2 long tables in king egg roll.:D i love the avocado shake.. i didn't let ate giselle pay for my food and the foods of 5 more people.. i paid for all of em.. just because im shy.. coz she always.. like always except for that one.. paid for our foods.. so yeah..:D we had our choral practice.. and its hella fun.. the songs are so nice.. and i like the last part.. coz they were doing the human beatbox.. and it was sick.. like hella tight.. i was gonna record it but my battery went empty..=(

MARCH 11

we celebrated my sister's birthday in aunt grace's house.. and it was kinda fun though there wasn't a lot of people.. but surely a lot of food.. lol:P they didn't adjust their clocks yet to an hour forward.. so were all just chillin.. but poof.. we went home 1030 already.. and i still have stuff to do.. so i slept at 12.. forgot to alarm my phone.. and so did my parents.. so my dad woke me up at 645.. and my class starts at 720.. haha:D

MARCH 12

IT'S HECKA HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT!
i wasn't really late.. but right after i changed, they locked the locker rooms.. then we ran the mile.. and it was soooooooo hooooooooooot.. that i was all sweaty after.. its nasty though coz i have 5 more periods to go..so i had to take off my undershirt..lol:P so my whole attire was ruined because of that friggin mile run..
and now im gonna sleep.. coz i dont wanna be late again:D

"is it too late to let you know?!"

2007-02-27T22:37:00.001-08:00

it's only now that i realized how stupid i was when i deleted my blogs.. i have updated that blog for more than 9 months.. and i just deleted it for what i see now as nonsense reason.. my life was there.. the story of my life for that long was all in there.. my feelings for all the things that happened.. my happy times.. my cries.. my anger.. my confusion.. all those were kept for remembrance.. all those were worth to be remembered and kept intact somewhere close.. in my heart.. because of a non sense reason.. all those were gone.. maybe not in my mind and heart.. but somehow.. something of me was missing..

things have changed.. so did people.. now i believe that nothing in life is constant except for change..

there's a contest fro math on saturday.,. and they're asking me i f i wanna join.. its gonna be in san jose state university.. i wanna join but iono.. something stops me.. something inside me is saying no.. iono.. me confused..

eastridge

2007-02-24T00:24:00.000-08:00

i slept at 3 am and woke up at 8 am.. i was waiting for people to go online.. but they didn't.. i hecka need to talk to someone because i couldn't sleep..

anyweiz..

today was so much fun.. i swear.. i went out at around 11 am to pick up justin and rhea-lynn then went straight to eastridge.. so we were hanging out.. finding places to go to.. then diana and adrian came.. and they were wearing green.. i was too.. and justin too i think.. so rhea-lynn was off..lol.. so then a lot others came.. irene, andrew, roy, louisse, nikko, ate giselle, gail, armily and razel.. so yeah.. the guys except nikko went somewhere else.. and the rest except ate giselle and gail went barnes & nobles.. diana bought the book A Child Called It.. and we were all like.. may we pass it around.. we wanna read it too!:D and others were like trying to spoil the story..lol..:Dso yeah.. we met to watch the movies.. we watched Bridge To Terabithia and it was okay.. some of us was laughing, some were scared for some reason.. andrew said it was because of the giant.. some cried..so yeah.. then we went out and took hecka pictures.. we had like 6 cameras.. so we had to send to everyone the photos.. i haven't received from diana and armily yet.. so hafta wait for em.. coz we were like.. "don't forget to bring your camera.. MYSPACE PHOTO!" lol.. then we had to leave.. we were supposed to take the bus but roy had a ride so we went with him.. the van was full.. we were like 8 in there.. we stayed in his house til like 9 pm.. rhealynn and justin had to go though..so yeah..:D it was much fun.. can't wait to hang out with them again..:D

tired

2007-02-21T10:27:00.000-08:00

yesterday i went malling with rochelle and rachel.. we watched ghost rider and took pictures.. so yeah.. today.. imma go armily's place.. and on friday.. malling with the whole binhi.. weeee!:D

imma get my braces soon:D

fun!

2007-02-17T21:43:00.000-08:00

fun started since last night.. we had our weekly meeting and i was surprised that a lot came.. coz for a few weeks.. there were only like 10, 12 of us.. last night had been so fun.. kuya marlowe gave us a ride home.. it was a real joyride.. and he was so makulit.. but i hafta be nice..lol:D he's older..

fun stuff today started when we had to clean the chapel.. irene and i went together.. then didn't know what to do.. then again.. kuya marlowe came.. so we were cleaning together.. then we saw diana.. so it was us 4 cleaning.. tripping.. and enjoying.. it was one of those bonding moments.. it was hecka fun.. that was 10 am to like past 11 am.. then a lot more of the binhis came.. ate giselle! rhea-lynn! so yeah.. it was super doooper oveeer fun!:D even the worst places that we cleaned made us all bonded.. and no matter what it was.. it was so fun.. i don't usually clean.. but earlier.. i don't wanna go home at all..

continued......... we had to be ushers for tonight's thing at church.. it was the bestest thing that i ever did this week or month or whatever.. and i so wanna do it again.. and i hope we do.. i love you guys so much..good job everyone:D

the thing that made my day was when dahlia called me!.. i just got up from bed and poof.. my phone was vibrating and it was them.. they made me cry.. i hecka miss all of them.. i was so touched that even it was prom night.. they found a place and time.. to get out of the room and call me.. i love you guys so much!:D i have a week off next week.. so imma make good use of it and talk to you guys:D

i love ate giselle! she was one of the few people that i met that when they talk about serious things.. they talk straight to my heart.. and when she talk about funny stuff.. it'll make us laugh.. she has always something to say to inspire us.. or somehting to teach us a lesson.. she has all sorts of stories to let us realize how lucky we are.. and that we should value everything that we have especialy having all our duties.. she's always there to comfort us.. no matter it is.. she's not afraid to cry in front of a crowd.. she has a good heart.. she never let us down.. even how sick she is.. she'll be there to lead us.. just to not leave us in the dark.. i love you ate!.. and i may not say this to you often.. but we're all proud of you.. and i hope you wouldn't leave binhi anymore!

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW HAPPY YOU MADE ME.. I HOPE THERE'LL BE A LOT MORE.. :D I CAN'T STOP SMILING..:D

me back

2007-02-16T16:32:00.001-08:00

i already deleted my old blog.. but i hope this one will be permanent now.. :D

things have happened.. that i have to erase all my blogs.. i'll not elaborAte more on it.. but that's pretty sad..

i'm kinda fine now.. after everything that happened between my parents and i.. they got so mad at me.. that they wouldn't talk to me at all.. not care and it felt like i was invisible.. well.. my mom and i are back to normal.. and at least i know why she got mad.. but my dad.. i think he's still kinda mad.. and it sucks that he doesn't even wanna talk to me about it.. well i apologized without even knowing what i did wrong..

those times i felt miserable and lost.. that i don't wanna go home.. last friday i stayed hella late at church.. up to like 10pm.. then saturday.. i was with my friends up to like 5pm.. and went to ate giselle's place afterwards.. sunday.. i was with ann.. left home at 10am.. went home at 6pm.. yeah.. i think if there was a chance for me not to go home.. i'll do it.. haiz..

i was a very long week.. lots of homeworks.. projects due.. and tests..

valentine's day sucks.. that was like the worst valentine's day i ever had.. first i wasn't with my friends.. still got lots of work to do for school.. lots of things to fix in my life.. haiz.. and i don't have a special someone:( lol.. jut kiddin:D

PROM! GIMME PICTURES PLEASE:( I BEG YOU:( PICTURES OF THE PROM!

for those that i forgot to put on my exits.. send me your address.. and imma tag you:D